Grandma

Grandma is a strong woman. No, she don’t carry weights or lift cars. What I meant was she has a strong character.

Grandma was a young lass during the Japanese occupation in the then Malaya. Being the eighth daughter in a family of 11 children, she spends most of her time hiding in the jungle to avoid the soldiers. Grandma came from a well to do family but they lost most of their wealth during the war. In a time where women are not encouraged to study, grandma took to the books and became an accountant.

Years later her parents arranged her marriage. She was to marry the son of a close family friend. Unknown to their parents, grandma and grandpa have been secretly seeing each other before they were betrothed to each other. It amuses me to know that my grandparents are quite sneaky during their younger years.

It was a life of hardship after marriage. The country was trying to rebuild itself after the war. Then they had to live through the May 13 crisis. At the same time they had to put 4 children to school. Grandma worked hard. She came out to work as a teacher. Then later on work for a plumbing company as an accountant. Out of the 4 children, her eldest son and youngest daughter were the brightest, relatively speaking. Both finished high school but were not able to continue college due to financial reason.

When I moved back to Ipoh to stay with them, I discovered a lot about them. They never spoiled their children except for their grandchildren. Lucky me! For a grandma, she’s quite open minded. Although I know many times she tried to understand us and relate to us but the generation gap is too wide. She effort did not go unnoticed though. She became a grandmother, a mother, a friend and a conspirator. She never tires to share her wisdom with us. She never fails to meet our needs and take care of us. When we needed an extra player at monopoly, she happily obliged. And when we need something from grandpa, she conspired with us to get it.

Others always mistaken grandma for my mother. That’s because grandma married young. Also, she can be quite vain. At the age of 50+, she still dyes her hair black to hide the silver. As the years go by, she can no longer hide her age. Her body also started to fail her.

After an incident where she was admitted to the hospital, she sold off all her jewelery and bought each of her grandchildren a token of her love. Everyone of us got either a gold chain or ring. What was heart-wrenching was her giving it to us individually while explaining that this is her will. It was then that I realised that I will lose her one day.

That one day came. Grandma was admitted to the hospital for heart failure. After several attempts to save her, she fell into a coma and passed on. I was given the chance to speak on behalf of the family in place of my father, who being the eldest son was still on his way back from the US. So much fond memories to share. So much regret of not saying what had to be said.

But I’m thankful for one thing. I got to live with her for 8 years of my life. I’m glad that I know what a great woman and  loving grandma she was.

Desperate

Ever been in a desperate situation?

I woke up one morning to a strange sound. It sounded like someone trying to throw up. Like when a woman is in the early stages of pregnancy. But this sounded slightly different. There’s a tone that made it sound alarming. I immediately went out my room to check it out.

The sound came from my mother’s room. I called out to her but there was no reply. I went in to her room. Mum was sitting on her bed slightly leaned back balanced with one arm. Her shirt was wet with sweat and she was pale. I ran up to her and asked her what’s wrong. She couldn’t answer. She just stared at me with fear in her eyes. She couldn’t move either.

I called the ambulance. No one picked up. Desperate I called the fire department. They redirected me to another agency dealing with emergency matters. A lady picked up the call. I asked for an ambulance. Before getting the ambulance, she start asking for my details like national identity number, house phone number and mobile phone number. I was getting angry. All these questions seem so unimportant. Then she asked me what wrong. I told her my mother’s condition. She asked more questions why is she in that state. I shouted at her, “I’m not a doctor! I need an ambulance now!” She said the ambulance will be there within half an hour. I was speechless.

Maybe what they said is true. Don’t believe everything you see on tv. Whenever somebody dial 911, the police, ambulance or fire department would be there within minutes. But here in Malaysia, they will play the 20 questions game with you. But what choice do I have? I waited.

I kept talking to my mum although she couldn’t answer me. Then it strike me. Is she having a stroke attack? I began to panicked. I thought of carrying her to my car and bring her to the hospital myself. But I wasn’t sure if I can move someone who just had stroke. Also, it’s very risky for me to carry her down the stairs. Mum isn’t exactly light. Finally I thought I’ll just risked it.

10 minutes later, out of a sudden, mum moved her hand. Slowly but surely, her breathing slowed to normal and she’s no more gasping. When she was able to stand up and move, I helped her down the stairs and to my car after calling back to the emergency number to cancel the ambulance. Believe it or not, the ambulance haven’t left yet.

I drove her to the hospital. At the emergency ward, the nurses and doctor immediately took over. All this while, although I was panicking, I was still very cool and clear minded on what I needed to do. After mum was pushing in to the ER, I called my office to take the day, off explaining my situation. Then I called my uncle to let him know what happened.  After that, I just sat outside waiting.

Then, I broke down and cried.

Where is God?

Dad was never around. He’ll be at school to collect my report card but not for PTA meetings. He’ll be back to sleep when I’m asleep and off to work before I wake. Is he avoiding me?

I can’t remember when it all started but mum and dad just started arguing a lot. Then they drifted apart. Mum being a housewife is always around. Dad, on the other hand, became a stranger. Then dad stopped giving mum money for the household expenditure. The car got repossessed by the bank. I guess business was bad.

To keep food on the table, mum started pawning off her jewelleries. Then she started babysitting for additional income. I had to help out with additional household chores like buying groceries, going to the wet market, doing laundry and helping out at the kitchen. I hated it. It was affecting my studies and I have less time for homework. Forget about the idiot box. That’s a luxury I’m not allowed. Little did I know, many years later, all this household work/chores actually prepared me to live on my own.

Then the day came when mum and dad slept in different rooms. My brother and I had to give up our rooms for mum and dad. My brother and I took the master bedroom. Pretty big for two young kids. To cheer ourselves up, we would play pretending the room is our kingdom. Our beds our castle. And we waged war at one another with hilarious results. Blankets became our cape. We made cardboard crowns or masks. Dad’s kendo sword or bokken became our weapon. Before I go on further, let me assure you that no one was hurt during and after our play pretend. Can’t say the same for some of the furniture though.

It was during this time that my uncle’s family, mum’s brother, visited us a lot. They took us out together with their only son to family outings, circuses, shopping malls, movies, etc. It felt like a family. Except they’re not mum and dad. My brother and I enjoyed ourselves but the moment we reached home, reality dawned on us. Things was still the same. Nothing changed.

It was that time that aunt taught me to sing ‘Sing hallelujah to the Lord‘ in the car one day while we were on our way to someplace. The seed of Christianity was planted. However, it took quite a while to grow. We started to join them for Christmas mass, Easter Sunday, fund raising events organised by the church etc. It was fun. At the same time, it took us out of the house.

I started to question the existence of God. Mum always knelt in front of the altar and chant for hours. I know what she’s praying for. She always asked us to pray for the same thing. Many times, my knees hurt from the hours of kneeling. Sometime I get cramps on my legs. Other time they got sore. There’s only 1 thing we prayed for. To be a happy family again.

Why isn’t God answering our prayers? Did we pray to the wrong God? I was too young too understand but I can see the desperation in mum’s eyes. Secretly, I started to talk to the walls in my room. I just picked a wall, stared at it and talked. I guess you can call it praying. I don’t know. I just know I had to plead and beg. My brother was scared and worried. Mum and dad had issues they have to settle. My brother is in my care now. I had to be strong. I had to be confident. I had to protect him.

I will never forget that day. Mum was kneeling in front of the altar praying gibberish. At least that’s what it sounded like. Then I saw it. There were pills on the altar. There were pills on the floor. There was a big mug of beer in front of her. Mum was overdosed on sleeping pills and she washed it down with beer. She was already swaying on her knees. Brother and I were crying holding on to her. I didn’t know what to do then. Never had I been so scared in my life.

When I heard the outside gates opened, I cried with relieve. It was uncle and aunt. They dropped by to visit. When they saw what happened, they quickly rushed mum to the hospital. They purged her stomach. Not a pleasant sight. Then mum fell asleep.

Brother and I stayed at uncle’s that night. While in bed, the entire incident played over my mind again and again. It was then I realised. I almost lost my mum that day. I cried myself to sleep.

Uncle’s family were there for us. But where is God?