Where is God?

Dad was never around. He’ll be at school to collect my report card but not for PTA meetings. He’ll be back to sleep when I’m asleep and off to work before I wake. Is he avoiding me?

I can’t remember when it all started but mum and dad just started arguing a lot. Then they drifted apart. Mum being a housewife is always around. Dad, on the other hand, became a stranger. Then dad stopped giving mum money for the household expenditure. The car got repossessed by the bank. I guess business was bad.

To keep food on the table, mum started pawning off her jewelleries. Then she started babysitting for additional income. I had to help out with additional household chores like buying groceries, going to the wet market, doing laundry and helping out at the kitchen. I hated it. It was affecting my studies and I have less time for homework. Forget about the idiot box. That’s a luxury I’m not allowed. Little did I know, many years later, all this household work/chores actually prepared me to live on my own.

Then the day came when mum and dad slept in different rooms. My brother and I had to give up our rooms for mum and dad. My brother and I took the master bedroom. Pretty big for two young kids. To cheer ourselves up, we would play pretending the room is our kingdom. Our beds our castle. And we waged war at one another with hilarious results. Blankets became our cape. We made cardboard crowns or masks. Dad’s kendo sword or bokken became our weapon. Before I go on further, let me assure you that no one was hurt during and after our play pretend. Can’t say the same for some of the furniture though.

It was during this time that my uncle’s family, mum’s brother, visited us a lot. They took us out together with their only son to family outings, circuses, shopping malls, movies, etc. It felt like a family. Except they’re not mum and dad. My brother and I enjoyed ourselves but the moment we reached home, reality dawned on us. Things was still the same. Nothing changed.

It was that time that aunt taught me to sing ‘Sing hallelujah to the Lord‘ in the car one day while we were on our way to someplace. The seed of Christianity was planted. However, it took quite a while to grow. We started to join them for Christmas mass, Easter Sunday, fund raising events organised by the church etc. It was fun. At the same time, it took us out of the house.

I started to question the existence of God. Mum always knelt in front of the altar and chant for hours. I know what she’s praying for. She always asked us to pray for the same thing. Many times, my knees hurt from the hours of kneeling. Sometime I get cramps on my legs. Other time they got sore. There’s only 1 thing we prayed for. To be a happy family again.

Why isn’t God answering our prayers? Did we pray to the wrong God? I was too young too understand but I can see the desperation in mum’s eyes. Secretly, I started to talk to the walls in my room. I just picked a wall, stared at it and talked. I guess you can call it praying. I don’t know. I just know I had to plead and beg. My brother was scared and worried. Mum and dad had issues they have to settle. My brother is in my care now. I had to be strong. I had to be confident. I had to protect him.

I will never forget that day. Mum was kneeling in front of the altar praying gibberish. At least that’s what it sounded like. Then I saw it. There were pills on the altar. There were pills on the floor. There was a big mug of beer in front of her. Mum was overdosed on sleeping pills and she washed it down with beer. She was already swaying on her knees. Brother and I were crying holding on to her. I didn’t know what to do then. Never had I been so scared in my life.

When I heard the outside gates opened, I cried with relieve. It was uncle and aunt. They dropped by to visit. When they saw what happened, they quickly rushed mum to the hospital. They purged her stomach. Not a pleasant sight. Then mum fell asleep.

Brother and I stayed at uncle’s that night. While in bed, the entire incident played over my mind again and again. It was then I realised. I almost lost my mum that day. I cried myself to sleep.

Uncle’s family were there for us. But where is God?